Jane Blog

August 5, 2004

Last night we went to this karaoke bar downtown and I did so well it was insane. I sang “Shoop” (playing the parts of salt AND pepa), and then I went into Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee” (playing the parts of me AND Bobby McGee) and got a standing ovation. Okay, three of the seven people at the place were on their way to the bathroom, but still, it counts.

So when I woke up I got to thinking that I might want to pursue music a little. (styling is SO competitive). Maybe I could be sort of a Sheryl Crow type… I could start out at a coffee house near here and then graduate to bigger coffee houses a little further away from here.

Since I'm a can-do person, I got in my jetta and drove right to the Guitar Center on Sunset and asked them if they knew of any good guitar teachers. (Davis said he’d lend me a guitar someone gave him in exchange for pot.) Well, lucky for me, the alleged best teacher in the entire city was in aisle 3 buying new strings! So I went over and introduced myself to him (he’s Randy) and then he picked up a guitar and taught me five chords. And suddenly, I was like a chord machine! I can play so many parts of so many songs it’s insane! Okay, I can only play one chord because I’d just gotten a manicure and didn’t want to mess up my nails. (e minor was safe bec it only takes one finger; I think it’s e minor, don’t quote me) The important thing is that I have the know-how to play five chords –- well, as long as my hands stay attached to my wrists. Although I did see a documentary at camp about a woman who plays guitar with her feet… which is kinda show off-y if ya ask me.

Then I drove to the Valley to meet a guitar teacher that the gym teacher at Marjorie’s school recommended. And as soon as I got to his place, he ordered me to sit on the couch while he spent the next forty-five minutes on the phone arguing with Visa over a bill… which was fine with me, because he’s GORGEOUS. Tim (his name) has the most beautiful hazel eyes in the history of eyes that changed color whenever Visa put him on hold. And once he hung up, he taught me about frets and stuff with BOTH ARMS AROUND ME! I could tell that he’s not a very good teacher, but he’s so much cuter than Randy and his ugly non-hazel eyes. I think I’ll go with Tim because it’s important for my ego that I hang out with cute men if I’m gonna be the next Eddie van Halen or Courtney Love, or Courtney Van Halen if they got married. Have a good day and rock on! (do people still say that?)

August 4, 2004

So last night we went out to a new club on Sunset –- poser city (not the name of the club, but it should be). Lots of starlets, agents, managers, producers, musicians, comedy writers (why are they always so ON?), drama writers (why are they always so BORING?) and best friends of all of the above. Anyway, it was tons of fun. An older married reality show producer friend of Lizzie’s bought us drinks the entire time and Marjorie and I didn’t leave the dance floor once –- until I got PUNCHED. By a girl! Apparently, she didn’t like the way I was dancing… and the fact that I was shaking it with her tall, lanky hot-as-hell boyfriend. I couldn’t help it, it’s not like he said “my girlfriend’s here so I can’t dance.” That knucklehead was rubbing up next to me like INSERT CLEVER METAPHOR HERE. So we were jamming, dancing, rockin, hangin, and a tad o’ making out and then out of nowhere I felt a huge WHACK on the side of my head. I said “OWWW!” (miraculously to the beat of the music) and turned around and saw an angry redheaded girl with a pierced eyelid glaring at me with her little skinny little fists clenched and ready to rumble. I said: “WHAT THE FUCK?!” and then SHE said “The fuck is that he’s my guy!” I wanted to hit back, but I lack the upper arm muscle needed to hurt someone, so instead I reached out and pulled her hair -- which made her drop to the floor (and worked out my triceps for a dot). Then I leaned down and ripped open her blouse and the buttons went flying -- one even into my eye, but I was so proud I didn’t make a big deal out of it. Then redheaded girl grabbed lanky guy by the arm and they ran out and everybody gathered around me. I thought they were all gonna yell at me, but they congratulated me and bought me drinks for the rest of the night. I was the local hero of the hip new club! Or maybe they were worried that I’d pull their hair and pop open their blouses.

August 3, 2004

GOOD NEWS:
I just read on my new bff instapundit’s website that the following research will be published today by academics at University College in London: Drinking half a bottle of wine a day can make your brain work better, especially if you are a woman. YAY, FiNALLY! My lushiness pays off! Time to retake my SAT's and go to Harvard. Or figure out how to use our universal remote.

BAD NEWS:
I bought a bra yesterday that I’m gonna have to return. It’s kinda puckery material so if I wear a tight shirt it looks like I stuff. And my entire wardrobe = tight shirts. This is bad news because I hate returning things and there’s something about bra shopping that exhausts me. At some point in life I’d like one of those operations where they implant a wire at the base of your breasts so it’s as if you’re always wearing a bra. And eventually you can take it out and bend it into a coat hanger for your favorite blouse.

NEWS I’M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT:
Paris Hilton is mysteriously bruised. Look, a fat lip isn’t good news anytime -- unless it’s from a collagen injection. But it’s kinda hard to have a lot of sympathy for this patrician-nosed gal. Just dump Nick and go out with someone really small who YOU can punch! Or at least scratch. Or just jab with a toe.

NEWS THAT GETS ON MY NERVES:
Vincent Gallo has erected a giant billboard over Sunset Boulevard of Chloe Sevigny sucking his hoo-ha in the upcoming film, "Brown Bunny." This is so much worse than Janet Jackson’s boob at the Superbowl… and it’s not the sex part that bugs me, it’s the fact that VINCENT GALLO STILL THINKS HE’S A MOVIE STAR!! Here are some of the blockbusters he’s been in: “Indesiderabili, Gli”, “The Groovenians”, “Stranded: Naufragos”… And here are some of his reviews: “excruciatingly painful”, “utter crap”, “please turn this VCR off NOW”… How did he get his ego and where can I go buy one?! Bottom line, this billboard does NOT make me wanna see “brown bunny” because I already saw “buffalo 66” and that, too, sucked c#ck!!

August 2, 2004

Holy Linkup, Instapundit! This is the kinda traffic I could get stuck in till both ass cheeks go numb! Plus, I checked out your pix and you’re pretty damn cute. Not sure about the shiny black jacket, but come to LA and we’ll go shopping. And I’ll pick your brain over margaritas about the intersection between advanced technologies and individual liberty… (that’s in his ‘about me’ section; not sure what it means but it turns me on.) Bottom line, I know you’re pretty heady and I’m pretty bodily, but I think we could learn from each other. I could give you the laywoman’s perspective on politics, pun intended.

Meanwhile, as I cadge (I thesaurus’d ‘scrounge’) for a hookup with a guy too smart for me in Tennessee, Brandy, former Moesha sitcom phenom, just got an eleven and a half carat diamond ring valued at over a million dollars from Phoenix Suns guard Quentin Richardson. Damn, Quentin! What up with THAT?! I know Brandy’s nice looking and has a good voice and decent comic timing (although I always identified more with Moesha’s boy-crazy pal Niecy) but Brandy’s no J Lo! Come to think of it, J Lo’s no J Lo either. (Personally, I think Brandy’s worth like 2 carats and a really nice lobster dinner – tops… maybe a $200 gift certificate to Burberry’s, too, if she’s nice to you when you’re sick.)

Maybe I’m just jealous cause I’ve never received jewelry from a guy. I got a T-shirt from a roadie once… and a pen from a pen salesman… but thassit. (btw, I took the pen and wrote, “i wanna break up with you, cheapskate” on a napkin like five minutes after getting it.)

Okay, I just googled Quentin and he’s gorgeous. Hey, with all the cosmetic surgery they do now, do they make white girls black? I’d love to switch colors.

July 30, 2004

I just came home from a John Kerry party at a house in Topanga Canyon where I had sex in the bathroom during his speech… the middle, and I was still listening. It was with this hot mactor guy (mailman/actor) who’s much smarter than you’d think. He loves Kerry and over pizza and gin he talked about how important it is that we all band together and support him. (Our legs were touching as he ranted so I knew it was goin somewhere!) I think this was the naughtiest, hottest, filthy-dirtiest thing I’ve done since having sex with the Pep Boys mechanic last Sunday under his Volvo on a wheely thing. And lemme tell ya, that wheely thing gives ya some nice motion.

But moving along, it’s time for ANSWER FRIDAY! Here’s my not-always-right opinion about some e-mailers’ issues:

Dear Jane,
i DID cover the convention and I had sex with the NBC news assistant sound man. Jealous?
Yolanda
Syracuse, New York

Dear Yolanda,
Yes. Green. I’ve always wanted to be named Yolanda.
xo,
J

Dear Jane,
I’ve been having internet sex with a young guy in India (behind my boyfriend’s back). Does that count as cheating?
April
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Dear April,
WELL, first of all, you’ve just made me very hungry for sag aloo. But I do think it’s cheating. I wouldn’t want my beloved to do that to me… on the other hand, if you think of it as outsourcing, then you’re just helping the economy. I think. Economics isn’t really my area. (is it even economics?) Ah, go have an orgasm, ya big inter-slut.
xo,
j

Jane,
I think my brother fucks horses. I’m not sure, but he’s a rancher and I’ve actually seen him do it. Should I tell someone?
Anonymous
Montana

Dear Anonymous,
Ew, ew, ew. Not only should you not tell him, you shouldn’t have told me. Ew, ew, ew.
xo,
j

On THAT note, time to go to sleep. Have a great weekend, kiss, laugh, drink (unless you’re in AA or driving), pet a puppy (unless you’re driving and he’s way in the hatchback part) and watch GOOD GIRLS DON’T on SUNDAY at 10PM.

July 29, 2004

Yesterday when I was in line at Starbucks I heard the barista telling everyone that she’s joining the army so she can get FREE PLASTIC SURGERY! It’s true! Now the military is offering free plastic surgery to everyone who enlists: boob jobs, nose jobs, chin jobs, teeth straightening, jaw reconstruction, even lipo! She said she’s always hated her thighs and turkey neck and it’s not like she’s rakin’ it in at Starbucks (no offense to the chain; you kick Coffee Bean & Tea leaf’s ass)… Anyway, she’s thinking why not join the army and get beautiful on their dollar (a/k/a taxpayers dollars)?

Actually, I’m all for it. Cause eventually we’ll have the handsomest, shapeliest, most confident army ever and then when we show up to occupy a country, who wouldn’t want us there? All our women will have big boobs and fat-free legs and the men will have perfect bone structure and straight white teeth. So the little foreigners won’t want to kill us, they’ll want to compliment us, mate with us, get their pictures taken with us… it’ll all turn into a big orgy instead of a shooting spree.

Plus, she said that members of the army soldier’s immediate family will get free surgery, too. So not only can YOU get beautiful, but you can get your mama a facelift for her fiftieth. Bottom line, I’m all for a really hot army. And I’ll be the first one waiting to greet them at the gates. Or marry a soldier for free plastic surgery in a coupl’a decades. Or one decade. Not quite sure, let’s see what the sun does to me.

Oh, here’s another way to go: I could get free plastic surgery to look just like George Bush and then order the troops around by telling them to hang out and pet puppies and act out scenes from All About Eve.” Oh, and I'd also make sure that they watch "Good Girls Don't" this Sunday at 10PM on Oxygen.

July 28, 2004

Does anyone know if Justin Timberlake is available now? Cause I heard he split from Cameron and I’m not above stalking him. I know he’s a former Mouseketeer (yes, I capitalized it -- out of respect for Keri Russell), but he is on my top ten list and it’s important not to give up on those top ten ever.

The other nine are:

Chad Michael Murray
Colin Farrell
Will Ferrell
My neighbor’s husband
Les Moonves
Brad Pitt
Jay Z
Keira Knightley
Bill Clinton

But it’s not like I wanna upset Cameron. I like her acting and she seems cool and I’ve heard that she even has complexion problems, which I love in a movie star. It’s just that if they are, in fact, splitski, why not make it public and let the girl next door have a chance? Or the girl on his doorstep with a bottle of champagne…? I mean, you can’t get arrested for giving someone a thoughtful gift, right?

Btw, thanks to all for your support in my plight to have sex with many Democrats in Boston, but since I haven’t heard back from the powers that be about getting those bigass plastic credentials, it’s not lookin good. But on the bright side, Thursday night there are tons of grassroots parties in LA for me & Marjorie to manhunt at. And if there are parties when Bush speaks up, I’ll go to those too. Must be fair in rating both groups’ sex skills. I have a feeling the Republicans will lose the Battle of the Bed, unless I have to sleep with Michael Moore. There’s a guy who’d benefit from a hot shower and a good ol’ fashioned stomach stapling. Ew, hope I don't have nightmares. xo, j

July 27, 2004

I just read that bloggers are now getting credentials to cover the Democratic convention in Boston. Well, yay bloggers! Now how do I get to go?! I want that big laminated pass to wear on my chest (maybe with nothing else) at late night parties with Kerry’s young studly helper-outers! I want the free all-you-can-eat buffet breakfasts! I want to stay in a hotel with unlimited fresh fluffy towels and a heated pool and a bar downstairs that I can wear slut clothes to and turn heads! I want to have sex with Democrats and report back to all of you how much more giving they are than Republicans! (you would think, right?). I also want to have sex wrapped in an American flag while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. And I want to blow everyone in the million man march… and balance an amendment on my ass on late night TV.

From what I hear, their decisions are gonna be based on the following three criteria:

1) the size of the bloggers’ audience –- I get readers, thanks to YOU all who appreciate a girl with potty mouth who can hold her liquor.
2) the amount of original material it includes –- I’m no word thief like that Joe Biden guy. F them and how dare they accuse me of being one?! Do they think I just cut and paste this shit?! Okay, now I’m angry. I need to go there and protest. Or at least, pout.
3) the "professionalism" of the site –-cool, I am such a professional that I even got paid for a hand job once.

And although I don’t often talk about my job in a political type way, it can be. In fact, just yesterday I blew dry a woman’s hair to make it look like John Kerry’s wife’s hair. And my shampooer is for gay marriage. Actually, everybody at my salon is. And I only use “freedom” gel on my clients’ hair. (okay, I made that last part up but I really want those media credentials.)

Bottom line, this blogger is ready to pack her bags, ask some questions, take some notes and hit ‘send’. Yep, I’m ready for Washington, everyone. I mean, Boston.

July 26, 2004

So last night on the news I saw Lance Armstrong riding a bike in a bright yellow shirt and wondered why Sheryl Crow hasn’t told him that nobody can wear yellow and look good. Not even babies! Okay, maybe light-skinned black people. Then Marjorie informed me that the yellow jersey signifies that the person finished in first place for that day. Congratulations, but still, why yellow? Aren’t the French supposed to have a great sense of style? To me it looks like a great sense of jaundice. A little later the news camera panned over and showed botox or a special youth lens on French video, but she looked like she was 25. You’d think her son’s bout with cancer would have aged her a little. Maybe being proud of your offspring takes the wrinkles off… and/or she can afford unlimited plastic surgery. Note to self: make money in life for ALL that stuff later. At the end of the piece, they showed Lance drinking champagne while riding his bike, so I did a shot of vodka while riding my pocket rocket.

Btw: I had a boyfriend who used to ride a bike a lot, but it was only because he was a loser and didn’t have a car. I hated him so much I encouraged him NOT to wear a helmet. After everything I said, he’d ask: “Is that a fact?” He was SO annoying I’m cringing just thinking of him. Can’t even remember why I dated him… oh yeah, he was really good at pool.

Although I always defend my dating choices, every once in a while I have no idea what I was thinking.

July 23, 2004

Many of you have been emailing me and asking how many “Good Girls Don’t” episodes we did and if there’ll be another season. WELL, we shot eight episodes total, and they’re all airing this summer. But we still don’t know if there’ll be another season. For those of you who asked how YOU can help make this happen, I have an answer.

Send an email (just a line or two) to:

[email protected]

And tell ‘em that you’re a fan! Then maybe the powers that be will be powerful and my/Marjorie/Lizzie/Ben/Davis’ crazy hijinx will rock on! FOREVER! Or at least until I hit menopause.

Now I’m gonna do Answer Friday today instead of Sunday because I have a date at the beach on Sunday with the cute black mechanic from Pep Boys. So here’s my not so humble opinion about some e-mailers’ issues.

Dear Jane,
Hey. Recently my best friend’s fiancé stuck his tongue in my mouth at a barbecue. Do I tell her? They’re supposed to get married in a month. Thanks, in advance, for your help.
Sincerely,
Cynthia
Trenton, New Jersey

Dear Cynthia:
Hmm. Maybe he was drunk and thought you were a bowl of potato salad? Or maybe he thought you were her? I say tell on the bastard. If he’s doing this before the wedding, who knows what’ll happen at the honeymoon. I hate him.

Jane,
I like performing oral on my boyfriend, but his member often tastes like urine and I don’t really like that. Any advice on how to tell him to wash it beforehand?
Your friend,
Eleanor
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Eleanor:
Wow, I didn’t think anyone was named Eleanor anymore. Here’s how I’d tell him to wash it beforehand: Say “Wash it beforehand.” He’s your guy, be honest. OR you could do a shot of whiskey right before, which’ll numb the taste buds. I used to drink whiskey before kissing one of Sting’s roadies who had bad breath from a tooth infection.

Hey Jane,
I hear my 77 year old neighbor having sex ALL the time (we share an apartment wall). Should I say anything to him?
Lisa
Brooklyn, New York

Lisa:
Not unless you want to have sex with him. Just crank your music and be happy for the ol’ guy! Or have sex louder and better.

Have a good weekend! Xo, j