August 6, 2004

Yay, it’s Answer Friday! And in honor of it, I called in sick. Two nights of staying out till 4AM = not great for cutting hair and tweezing ladies’ chins. But what I CAN do in this tired, hungover state is lie in bed, eat microwaved mini white castle burgers (poke TWO holes in cellophane or you're askin for trouble) and answer my beloved readers’ emails:

Dear Jane,
I'm a black guy but I’m attracted to white girls. In your opinion, does this make me a traitor to my race or an oddball?
Miles
DC

Miles,
Last week someone wrote in about a guy who’s attracted to a horse. Does that mean he’s hurting cows’ feelings? Don’t worry, go out with who YOU want to go out with! Just don’t go to church on Sunday bragging to the sistahs about all the white meat you’ve been eatin. And if you’re ever in the LA area, don’t forget sistah Jane. I’m incredibly pale.
xo,
j

Dear Jane,
My boyfriend’s really skinny and I’m not all that thin. In fact, I’m fat. He doesn’t mind the difference, but I do. Should I break up with him?
Linda
Los Angeles, Ca

Linda,
You’re fat and you live in LA?! Is that a typo?!! Don’t break up with him, just stay on the bottom during sex. UNLESS he pisses you off, in which case you should sit on him hard. That’s what I did with skinny Bill and I found it extremely rewarding.
xo,
j

Dear Jane,
I had a great date with a guy last weekend. I think we really clicked, but he hasn’t called me yet. When can I call him?
Suzanne
Little Rock, Arkansas

Suzanne,
You can call him right now, but just by shouting his name out your window. Do NOT pick up the phone. Unfortunately, we girlies still have to wait for guys to call us – at least at the beginning. And this is EXACTLY why I date many men; there’s safety in numbers and the more guys, the more likely you'll be on someone's speed dial. But if you get so frustrated that you can’t stand it, I’d just start stalking him. It’s safer than calling because you can always make up a quick excuse as to why you’re crouching in his rose bushes – you “left your hair thingie there” or you “like roses” are two prime examples. Truth be told, I miss the old days when you could call and hang up and not get caught. Damn you caller ID and star 69, you big fat tattle tales!!
xo,
J

Dear Jane,
I’m really pissed off at my ex. Last week I think she came into my apartment and stole my tivo. How do I get it back?
Justin
Dallas, Texas

Justin,
You don’t. Ya shouldn’t have given her the key, bitch!
Xo,
j

Thassit, have a great weekend! Say hi to an old person, hi-five a baby and have sex with someone in between! (Oh, you can have sex with an old person if you really want to, I won’t judge. But if you have sex with a baby, I will.)

Comments

[buffy]

Hey Jane,
If you really want to get picked up again for another season, convince Marjorie to get breast implants ala Tara Reid- she just got a deal with FOX! See what a fake set of C cups can get you in LA?
Here is a question for answer friday-- will that Tampax Pearl Girl (always with ponytail and white pants) ever find out who keeps using her tampons?

[DC]

Jane,

Thanks for the reassurance. And if you were a real person, I'd DEFINATELY go outta my way to make an unnecessary trip to LA just SO I could keep an eye out for you. You and your friends Marjorie and Lizzie rep exactly what I like in girls: fun, humorous, adorable, older (I'm only 20), chipper, and of course white. Perfect combo. You ladies stay cool and do right by Davis and Ben. They have to tell me how they lucked out in scoring 3 close friends like you, Marjorie and Lizzie, especially when Ben is as big a dork as I am. Anyway, arrivaderci.

-DC