Yesterday when I was in line at Starbucks I heard the barista telling everyone that she’s joining the army so she can get FREE PLASTIC SURGERY! It’s true! Now the military is offering free plastic surgery to everyone who enlists: boob jobs, nose jobs, chin jobs, teeth straightening, jaw reconstruction, even lipo! She said she’s always hated her thighs and turkey neck and it’s not like she’s rakin’ it in at Starbucks (no offense to the chain; you kick Coffee Bean & Tea leaf’s ass)… Anyway, she’s thinking why not join the army and get beautiful on their dollar (a/k/a taxpayers dollars)?
Actually, I’m all for it. Cause eventually we’ll have the handsomest, shapeliest, most confident army ever and then when we show up to occupy a country, who wouldn’t want us there? All our women will have big boobs and fat-free legs and the men will have perfect bone structure and straight white teeth. So the little foreigners won’t want to kill us, they’ll want to compliment us, mate with us, get their pictures taken with us… it’ll all turn into a big orgy instead of a shooting spree.
Plus, she said that members of the army soldier’s immediate family will get free surgery, too. So not only can YOU get beautiful, but you can get your mama a facelift for her fiftieth. Bottom line, I’m all for a really hot army. And I’ll be the first one waiting to greet them at the gates. Or marry a soldier for free plastic surgery in a coupl’a decades. Or one decade. Not quite sure, let’s see what the sun does to me.
Oh, here’s another way to go: I could get free plastic surgery to look just like George Bush and then order the troops around by telling them to hang out and pet puppies and act out scenes from All About Eve.” Oh, and I'd also make sure that they watch "Good Girls Don't" this Sunday at 10PM on Oxygen.
get all pretty just to get killed - smart
Posted by: k | August 03, 2004 at 12:22 AM
Hilarious!
Posted by: Paul | August 01, 2004 at 08:00 AM
hmm... probably not.
thanks for the wakeup call.
Posted by: jane | July 31, 2004 at 10:29 PM
She'll be disappointed as the claimed platic surgery doesn't happen. Think about, would you want a general surgen performing a face job on you to practice general, wartime surgery?
Posted by: reality | July 31, 2004 at 09:33 PM