Last night after work my boss invited me out for drinks, which totally surprised me because she’s a cold cheap woman. At first I thought she was gonna fire me and wanted to be in a public place where I wouldn’t stab her in the neck with tweezers, but as we drove to the bar I started thinking that maybe she’s gonna tell me that someone’s suing me for sexual harassment – I was a little touchy and such while cutting a cute young blond stand-in’s hair the other day. (He stands-in the for OC chino guy, so can ya blame me?) But it turns out she just wanted to talk cause she’s got a lot going on and is kinda mean so she has no friends.
Her deal is that she’s 38 and is having a crisis over whether or not to have a baby alone. She was living with a guy for years but then he passed away. (this is sad, isn’t it?) Anyway, before he died she got some of his sperm and froze it and recently she went to a fertility clinic and underwent treatment (major shots that she did in her own gut and ass -- I’m impressed!) Then last week she had her eggs retrieved and they fertilized it with his thawed-out sperm. The good news about all of this? The sperm fertilized one egg successfully, so now she and her dead guy have a frozen embryo stored somewhere in Encino. Only now she doesn’t know whether to be implanted with her frozen baby or to wait until she meets someone to impregnate her who’s alive. I offered to have the baby for her (with a hefty price tag attached, plus time and a half when I work on Saturdays, I’m no fool), but she said that wasn’t the issue. She’s just worried about whether or not she can handle being a single mother. I told her that she’d make a great mom no matter what –- so not the truth but she was buying $12 per glass wine and I was buzzed.
But truth be told, I do have more empathy for her now. I don’t know what I’d do if that was me with a frozen baby in Encino and no guy to help with diapers or mixing my martini after pumping boobmilk. Plus, I think she’s lying about her age and is actually 44 and not 38. When I came home and told Marjorie the story, she flipped out in fear that this’ll all happen to her. So I had to calm her down with my last Xanax… which was a VERY unselfish gesture that made me realize that I will make a great mother! Must stop getting abortions. Oh, calm down, I’m kidding… about it being plural.