So last night in the middle of a joint and peppermint bubble bath, guess who called? Richard, aka Captain Shitty Kisser, who I intentionally haven’t blogged about because I refuse to get all knotted up and pretzel-y over a guy who hasn’t called. I hate all that “why hasn’t he called when he said he would am I a loser or is he a liar or are we both losers and/or liars damnit I should just go fuck someone else right now” crap. I mean, why go drama queen over a guy who didn’t even know how to kiss before he met me? I’m better off having a drink with the deli guy from Gelson’s who keeps slipping me his number. At least I’d have cold cuts in my fridge. And any guy who cuts tongue must know how to use it.
HOWEVER, not only did Richard call, but apparently he’s opening a bank in Brazil and will be there for six months. And guess who he wants by his side in a thong?! Well, probably Julia Roberts but she’s pregnant, so… ME! Yay, I’m finally living Lizzie’s life! Richard said we’ll be in Rio on weekdays but on weekends we’ll fly to the Amazon to a lodge that’s built on treetops with a great restaurant. I can’t believe I finally get to have sex in a jungle in front of wild animals! Maybe i can learn something from a mandrill! Anyway, I said yes at first, but then I got scared and told Richard that I needed a little time to think. I mean, this means quitting work and relying on a MAN –- what if I get sick of him? And what if I see a cute native and want to have sex with him or her? Then I’m just a big fat brazilian whore! However, after discussing the sitch with M, we decided that I could always support myself by cutting hair in Rio. Or by waxing or threading. A city of dark hairy people in G-strings = plenty o’ hair removal business. So I called back Richard and told him I’ll be there. And he sounded as happy as a man is allowed to sound when he’s in the middle of a board meeting.
Anyway, this hoopla won’t happen for a month or two, so I have some time to pack and steal beauty products from work. Meanwhile, I’d like to give a shout out to a v. cool gal named Kay who hooked me up with this website. Enjoy, girlies and gay men: